So, it is 2011 and I wrote the following entry back in 2004 I think? It was on my xanga (ha remember that shit?) I look back at this bullshit now (I say bullshit because thinking back how I was, it’s like, “man, shut the fuck up… it’s not that serious,”… shit if I could go back in the day, I’d slap my bitchass for being so stupid at times. I was too much of a good/nice guy and although it can still come out now at times, which I don’t like when it does often, I know I’m smarter) and I laugh cuz I am glad I currently do not like anyone. Also throughout back in the day, I was living that hopeless romantic lifestyle, you know the one. Trying to look for “The One” and wanting to fall in love and blah blah blah blah blah etc. Now, when looking at love, I shrug my head and just say “Whatever happens, happens”.. The “One” now is a basic term for whoever you end up with and stay with in the future, which also is tricky too because of all the divorces now. Guess people have marriage ADD or no one really is monogamous anymore. The “One” no longer means that super person you’re constantly searching for that magically fits every single one of your interests and the compatability between you guys is like 1000%. Yeah. Not really gonna happen. There’s no perfect for each other. It’s all give and take. There’s no perfect period cuz everyone has their flaws. When you accept that person’s flaws and still love them unconditionally, then I guess that they have the potential to be this so called “One”. I dunno. I just know I’ve totally revamped my thinking over the years through experience. Am I still a hopeless romantic? Could come out sometimes, but not how it was before. Hence me laughing and joking around with this so called word “Love”
Even if I drop that L word out of normal talk, I mean it more as friends, kinda like you love your friend to death (that you’ll be there for them, hear them out, and support them in whatever decisions they make for themselves because you care about them), but you’re not in love with your friend, you know? It’s too bad you can’t really convey tone on something written. It’s supposed to sound like, “Hey, you know I love you to death, but you have to figure your shit out,” Same thing with the word “Holla” too. Cuz holla is supposed to mean going to try to start dropping lines to a girl or some shit to try to get her intrigued about you. But when I say “holla” I just mean “get at me” or “hit me up whenever you can if you see me around”… Nothing serious so don’t take it that way if I say anything. I personally already think the words “love” and “hate” are thrown out there too much by other people (even though I just said what I said). If you think about it, if you hate something, then damn, that’s serious. You have hatred for that thing, like that thing is the bane of your existence, or they did something personal to you that you can never forgive them for. That’s why I never understand why people are like “I hate that music,” or “I hate that movie!” Was that song or that movie that terrible that you hate it? That it really bothers you? If you don’t like it, change the station! Cuz everything that comes out, there is a group that does enjoy it, no matter how small. Jeez. Not that serious… Same thing when you love something, like truly love something and a lot of times, people are basing their love or hate on the wrong aspects. I’m just saying for me personally, don’t take it personal. Cause I more mean it like I love basketball, I love good times, I love smoking weed (which I don’t do… maybe ha) or I love the person you are, but again, I’m not in love with you, nah mean? And anyways, if I’m really feelin you (which again, I’m glad I’m not feelin anyone at the moment) you’ll know when I really mean love and wanna pursue something, cuz my attempts during that time will be so much more better and creative than when I do shit for you that’s only out of the kindness of my heart (during that time, do me a favor and take that gesture as is. Don’t question it and build it up, like making a mountain out of a molehill. Know that I did that shit cuz I wanted to cuz I’m a nice guy (Too nice in fact in the past) and wanted to do that for you. Not everything a guy does is cuz he wants to get with you haha. Who are you to think that, you conceited ass female? You are not that hot! haha. kidding of course… and this is not to anyone in particular, just to girls in general because I’ve come across a lot of girls that have over thought small gestures done by dudes, especially when the guy said up front, “Don’t think anything of this”) so please don’t get it twisted. Because in this aspect, I’m not playing “A Game” that today’s society dictates we play when it comes to courting the opposite sex. I know it’s hard to distinguish, but if you really know me as a friend, then believe what I am telling you by looking at everything about me. Basically, don’t be selective in what you know about me! haha Think overall…
Valentines day is just another day to me, although I do know for other guys, this might be the day that they go against the grain and try the impossible for the girl they’re into… Basically, swinging for the motherfucking fences only to get straight shut down in disappointment because that girl likes some other guy or the girl just does not have feelings for them… haha, man. Vicious fucking cycle. If you really wanna be romantic, you don’t need a day to say “I Love You” or buy your mate flowers or have the best sex ever. You buy them flowers or say I love you just cuz it’s a thursday or just cuz it’s a friday. Just cuz they’re in your life etc… I guess props for those dudes that do attempt shit on Valentines Day cuz you can control your actions, however you cannot control how someone will react to them. But hey, at least homie tried so there’s some solace in that…
Although I do admit that I like the feeling when I do like someone, however, I also know I dislike it as well cuz of the world wind of emotions that “L” word can bring… Actually, not even the main L word, but even “like” and crushing on someone. Ugh. Right now, I say fuck that, man, especially seeing what other people go through and hearing them vent and bitch about someone else and their crazy situations. Throughout the past heartbreaks, all you can really do is learn from it and know what to do and what not to do the next time around. And even though you have fallen for the wrong person before (cuz if you’re not with them currently, they are the wrong person ha), at least you knew you got up and proceeded, even though it hurt. Think about it. Every person you’ve ever liked has been “THE BEST PERSON IN THE FUCKING WORLD!” and then it doesn’t work out so you meet someone else that you end up liking and now THEY are “THE BEST PERSON IN THE FUCKING WORLD!!” Like I said, vicious goddamn cycle…
But the reason I’m posting this up is because I just thought it was a good entry, like I really liked my writing in this. So enjoy… oh and fuck Valentines Day (and no, I am not bitter) :D
Hey. I haven’t seen you in a while. You and I haven’t seen eye to eye, the times you do come around. You seem to come and go as you please. You’ve come in instances, some longer than others. I wonder why you do what you do. I wonder why you’re nice to others and tough on some. You’re very nice to a lot of my friends. I’m happy for you and them, although I wish you’d be a friend to me at times instead of me always seeing you with them. At times, I’ve even found myself helping them with you, helping them to understand you, which is strange because I don’t even understand you at times. Maybe I feel that if I do this, you’ll see that I can treat you right if given the chance.
You’re complicated. Every time I try to get you to stay, you get weird on me. Maybe I’m not doing something right. Maybe I haven’t paid my dues. You don’t visit often, but when you do, I try to hold on to you, maybe for too long. Then you affect my thinking. You’re on my mind a lot and usually towards the end, I find myself wishing you never came along in the first place. At that time, I wish you left me alone. Sometimes, I wonder if you’re really worth it.
I am thankful though. You’ve given me great friends, people in my life that I’m close to and have no regret meeting. For that, I thank you. Although I do wish that you would’ve stayed with certain friends and never have come for certain others.
Even so, sometimes when you’re here, I don’t know how to deal with you. You kinda make it tough on me when you’re around. That is my fault, but you don’t help the situations. The last couple of times I’ve seen you around, you’ve only come for a split second, sometimes instilling in me a moment of hope. You’re hard to figure out. When you’re around, you make the impossible seem possible. Recently, though, you’ve come at me in very impossible situations, situations in which I’d never win, but you give me this hope where something inside of me suggests, “Maybe I can win. There must be a reason for feeling the way I feel,” Then, BAM! You’re gone. You leave me with my heart aching a lot. You also leave me with a mess that’s sometimes hard as hell to clean up, and then things seem different. I’m tired of cleaning up after you. I’m tired of you teasing me. You always put me in this cycle that I’m still trying to figure out how to break. If it’s a joke to you, then I’m not laughing.
Every so often, you hit me out of nowhere. Every so often, I try to change how I see you so that you suit me and my happiness better. In the end, it all comes down to you. You seem to be a necessity. Can’t live with you it seems, but also I know that I cannot live without you. There’s times I don’t want you here. Sometimes, I’d rather just not deal with you at all. There’s times where I feel I could do without you complicating things. A part of me has questions. A part of me has hope. A part of me is skeptical. A part of me is negative. I do learn from you every time you leave. Knowledge to prepare me for your next visit.
Today is your day. Today you’re making a lot of people happy. It’s like you’re Santa Claus and it’s Christmas. If that’s the case, then I must’ve been bad this year as well as recent years before this because you’ve skipped me once again. I could blame you. I could hate you. More than likely though, it’s probably just me.
Maybe next year will be different.
Anyways, I look forward to the day that you’re finally going to stay. They say you’ll come when I least expect it. Well, you’ve taught me not to expect much at all. Although you hurt like hell most times, you still give me hope. Maybe one day you’ll stay for good. Maybe one day, I’ll have the answers to all these questions. Maybe one day, I’ll have known that you were worth it, that all this waiting meant something in the end. Then maybe I’d be happier today. Till then, I look forward to your next visit, with the knowledge you gave me from your previous visit. With it, I’ll know what to do to keep you here so that on this day, I won’t feel like you’ve skipped me.
Till next time… Rhegi
Oh man… reading this, it’s good, but brings back those memories that make me smile… and also laugh. It’s like, “Why’d you care so much?” haha. Damn past hopeless romantic lifestyle… However, when it comes down to it overall, that thinking was necessary for me to become how I am today. We continuously revamp ourselves through experience…
Peace, bitches! Hope you enjoyed your V day. And once again, Fuck Valentines Day :D